I am in a spiritual crisis. I feel like everyone else are not as deserving as me. To clarify. It seems like i am the only one searching for answers.

Depression is my weakness Nighttime

Is when it gets to it's worst. I dont feel depression at all in the day..well I do but to only some extent. I really dont know what to do anymore. I hate that when well once I was in a group. I am always left at the side with no one to talk to. This is always and forever. The lonliness will never go away. No matter who is there or where. I dont see where this is going.

I wished someone would fucking talk to me.

That awkward moment when your inbox on the phone stays empty every day....

Permantly deleted my facebook. no one talks to me anyways

I wish I could drown in my own vomit

I hate that no matter how hard I try. I can never get people to like me. I try faking. being my self. and well other things. I just do not understand what is wrong with me? People never bother to talk to me. No one cares. Too bad I have to be on meds so I cant drink my sorrows away. FUUUUUCK. How do I tell them I do not want to be on meds anymore? How the fuck do I tell them I'd rather rot in the fucking ground then live how they see I am living?!? They are forcing me to stay in this hell hole with them. So i can suffer as well. I want to move out. I really do. But I dont know what to do. How do I go about this?!! I have no friends to ask if I can move in with. So how the fuck am I going to go about the rest of my life?!

Getting tired of people ignoring me

This sucks. You know what also sucks. Seeing people hanging out with other people you know they'd rather hang out with then you. SUCK. MY BALLS.

Why do people feel the need to brag about who they hang out with and not even manage to invite me anywhere. I mean as a one on one type thing. Am i that much of a bother? Fuck that. Fuck you.

Things are getting better

I got to meet the wonderful Heather! It was amazing! We all had a tea party then went to some kind of secluded place to smoke. It was lovely! I hadn't smoked in evar!! I loved that night yet. It indeed had its more downsidedness. I felt so alone. Like I had no one to relate to. I hardly know the other two girls and M was mostly talking to Meagan. Oh of course I felt like a third wheel in a sense. I guess a fifth wheel? I don't know but it seem like no one was really interested in talking to me. Oh well.

Seems as if there are going to be someone new moving into this house near me. And I am terrified on who its going to be. In a way I kind of hope they sell some pot. Bahahahaa. Yep. I suck. Anyways.

I miss my friends shay and tiffany. I would love it if they made up. But I dont think that is going to happen.

I hate how I do not like to sleep anymore. I really do not like my dsyphoria creeping into my dreams. I cannot get a good nights rest with this none sense.

Beggars cant be choosers.

I know I am a beggar. I crave friendship from the type of people who I want to hang out with. Not the type of annoying people who want to be friends with me. I constantly hate people. I hate that I can not get what I want. I am a very selfish person. Although the only people who want to hang out are just two people. They both lust after me. They obviously dont hide it. I hate hate hate! I know I am not pretty or anything so why me?!

At the moment I am burning several candles. I need more books so that I can learn as much as possible. I want to get into western qabbalahism. And ceremonial magic. I suppose that is all. Oh well.

rants!

I do not like most of the men who have had crushes on me. I am sorry I cannot find most African American males attractive. But I just cannot! I also hate the way I look. I want to slice my fucking face when I look in the mirror. I hate myself to much to even stand. I've tried to many times to off myself. None successful. I hate myself.

You make me ill.

Bored. Nothing to really look forward to except more gloomy cold winter days. I have no one at the moment. It's funny because there are people I know who complain about being depressed. Yet they still have tons of friends and a wonderful home and family? I just don't get it. How could anyone be sad over anything other then not having a friend or family to cling to? What is there? I just don't really understand. I am confused. Bewildered. They go to parties, drink, fuck everything that moves yet it is still depressed?! How is having a fun enjoyable life depressing? I just do not get it! People make me ill they have everything  people like me want yet still ask for more! Fuck that.They just beg for attention like crashing expensive cars that belong to daddy. Whilst people like us just wait for something that may never come along.

.

Things that can be found in my room! picture story bahahah

Versailles Noble Album








Siouxsie and the Banshees Tinderbox Album

Bauhaus volume one album

Maggie my friend ^3^

 Hello Kitty

Books

Nicotine

Crosses                               

                                            

SO I got me a new tattoo. Which means twin. Since I am a twin

Its in japanese. Futago! ふたご


Anyways I will be posting more postive upbeat things going on in my life. Or whatever you want to call it. I wouldn't really call it a life sooo. There is my other tattoo. My first one to be exact.

I hope in the near future I can get the Kuroshitsuji contract seal on my hand or other foot. Here is what it looks like. Please note that it is not mine. I found it on the webs. >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
I also want something spooky like bats or a portrait of dada from Velvet Eden. I would love that!